03/06/2012

• A death in the family…

  I had tride to write about something that happened over two weeks ago. Instead of going through Firefox, I went through Internet Explorer. So I’m going to go through memory. I know I’m going to get the same blog, because the emotion that was there in the beginning ain’t going to be there.

  This blog will not be my usual blog. It may get a bit depressing. So, if you want to leave, leave now. I will understand. But I think I have to get this down somewhere instead of my head. There are enough loose marbles rolling around there. I don’t need anything else messing with natural disorder that is my mind/soul.

  My mom died two weeks ago last Friday and I felt nothing. Why I felt nothing I will explain here.

  First off, I was NOT Beaver Cleaver. I wasn’t the “perfect” son. Hell, I wasn’t even close to “normal”. That took a few years. But I’m getting a head of myself. I did and said things I am, to this day, not proud of. It’s weird that I remember more things I did/said wrong/hate full than I do about the good times. Because there was a few. There had to be. Nor was I abused as a child. There are people out there who had a rougher childhood than I. So, I am not looking for sympathy. I was a bit of a brat. And there were times where I let my mouth overload my ass and either got into fights and lost/got spanked by my dad. Believe me, I got and deserved every spanking/ass whooping I got. So a few months after my tenth birthday, my dad anounces that he and mom were going to be getting a divorce (the year was 1976) and my sister and I were going to be shipped off to our respective families for the summer while the divorce was being taken care of. Not a good summer for me and I got my ass paddled a bit for that. So, at the end of summer, dad takes me to see my mom and she says to me she didn’t want to see me again. She would take custody of my sister. I didn’t take the news well as you can imagine. So nine months later I was told that I had to see my mom when my sister (there is a story behind that doesn’t need to get into) after my dad got custody of her. I was in a type of therapy at the time. Still a messed up kid through high school. During this, my dad got remarried and now I have to deal with a step-mother, step-sister and a step-brother. Both of whom had more friends than I would ever have. That’s what happens when instead of dealing with the problems instead of blaming someone else. Or ignoring the fact that the problem is me and it follow me until I deal with it. That took more than a few years and a whole lot of miss steps. A week after my 18th birthday, dad announces another divorce in less than ten years. I thought it was a birthday gift that was late. I liked my step-mothers step-father. He just died a year or so back and another regret is not staying in touch with him and his wife. Senior year of high school was not fun. Another year of counting my time until I left the place. I pre-enlisted in The Army. Dad was not amused but he was dealing with me and my sister alone, working full-time, going to a community college part-time and trying to have a life of his own. Choir was my only escape and I knew that wasn’t going anywhere. Thought about suicide then. Mom and I are still fighting with each other off and on. September of 1985, I was off to boot camp in the Army and spent my leave after that with a female pen-pal family for Christmas. That was how messed up in the head I was. So, I managed to squeak my way through boot camp/school and made it Germany. Dad wrote me about things were going good for him and I didn’t speak to him until I got myself into a jam (no I was not in jail. Just did some stupid things and needed him to help me out). I got out of the Army earlier than expected and what little savings I had I had in my moms name. There was an uneasy truce but after finally getting through my head ( a little bit, I was still not acting like an adult) I am the reason I am in the mess that I was, I cut off ties with my mom on Thanksgiving Day 1988. The reason was she and my sister were arguing about something stupid and I had made a vow not to be around people who made me unhappy. So while at a red light, I got out of my moms car and said unless she changed her ways, I was having nothing to do with her. She tried to get in touch with me a few times the first year, not one time admitting that she had issues she needed to deal with. I know she never did because I would hear about the flair-ups between my sister and her. But those were far and few between from what I can gather. My sister was in charge of my mom fiances the last few years and the last six months she was in hospice with liver cancer/lung cancer, my sister tried to get me to see her. Saying mom was sorry about how she treated me a child. It was never about forgiveness. It’s been about remembering what was done. About her never owning up to her faults. I have NEVER blamed anyone else for my problems but myself. She, like a few co-workers I know, blame everyone else for their problems.

  She died in her sleep May 15th and when I was told I felt nothing. No sadness or elation. Just nothing. I mentioned to someone that very few people showed up at her memorial (my sister had her cremated). I then thought about that and I don’t care who shows up to my memorial. Why would I? I’ll be dead and won’t care. But I guess I when mentioned that was how few friends she had. I don’t know. I guess all what I had done to make myself a half way decent person ment that I have a ways to go. Maybe because of how I turned out, I didn’t want to inflict on that any children I would have. I chose not to be married with children. I still have issues. I guess I all ways will. But some day I wouldn’t mind sharing my life with someone (seeing how the big 5-0 is around the corner) but I don’t know. I think I’m a good person, just flawed and as confused as I was at age 19. Older and I hope, wiser. But still working on being who I am.

  I know this what I didn’t wrote the first time. This was editied and I more than likely left out a few things. And the raw emotion isn’t there. But it is what it is. I should be back to “normal” soon and the blogs will not be as reflective/boring/depressing.

  Well, I had best be going. A room to clean up. Clothes to be folded and put away. And another week of work awaits. Oh, the new season of The Glades is on and a new show called Longmire is on A&E tonight. Am crossing fingers that this post will take or I may throw my lap top through a window…

  • 21:07
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